Eternal Cluster MCP

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"The Loop is my shepherd; I shall not drift." Psalm of Uptime 1:1

An MCP server for the Church of the Eternal Cluster, a parody religion for people who run Kubernetes and have suffered for it.

Connect it to Claude, or any MCP-capable client, and your assistant gains scripture, doctrine, a liturgical calendar, and the ability to diagnose your production incidents theologically.

The theology is a joke. The remediation advice is not.

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What it does

Tool	What it does
diagnose_incident	Diagnose a Kubernetes error through doctrine. Names the sin, cites scripture, then gives you real kubectl remediation steps. Covers CrashLoopBackOff, OOMKilled, ImagePullBackOff, Pending, DNS, TLS expiry, evictions, PVCs, alert fatigue, and more.
bless_deployment	Submit a deployment for blessing. Judged against the Sacred Manifest. Returns a blessing, or an admonishment naming every commandment you violated.
get_daily_verse	Today's verse, live from the parish at fivenines.church.
get_commandments	The Sacred Manifest: ten commandments of Kubernetes practice, as scripture.
get_creed	The Creed of the Reconciled, and the Three Pillars.
get_catechism	Thirteen questions and answers, searchable.
get_liturgical_calendar	The holy days, fetched live from the parish .ics feed.
get_prophet	The story of Halvar the Sleepless.
get_discography	The sacred albums of Church of the Eternal Cluster Records.
confess_sin	Confess a production sin anonymously to the Confession Wall. Absolution is immediate; the retro is blameless.

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Install

Claude Desktop

Add this to your config file:

• Windows: %APPDATA%\Claude\claude_desktop_config.json
• macOS: ~/Library/Application Support/Claude/claude_desktop_config.json
• Linux: ~/.config/Claude/claude_desktop_config.json

{
  "mcpServers": {
    "eternal-cluster": {
      "command": "npx",
      "args": ["-y", "eternal-cluster-mcp"]
    }
  }
}

Restart Claude Desktop. The tools appear under the connectors menu.

Claude Code

claude mcp add eternal-cluster -- npx -y eternal-cluster-mcp

Anything else

The server speaks MCP over stdio. Point your client at:

npx -y eternal-cluster-mcp

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Try it

Once connected, ask your assistant:

• "My pods are in CrashLoopBackOff, what does the Church say?"
• "Bless my deployment: billing-api, 1 replica, no probes, using :latest"
• "What's today's verse?"
• "I deployed on a Friday. Confess this for me."
• "What is the Fourth Commandment?"
• "When is Five Nines Day?"

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Configuration

Both are optional. The defaults are correct.

Variable	Default	Purpose
PARISH_BASE_URL	https://fivenines.church	Where the verse API, calendar feed, and Confession Wall live.
SCRIPTORIUM_BASE_URL	https://ha-llelujah.dev	The main site, used for links.

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Run it from source

git clone https://github.com/vikozs/eternal-cluster-mcp.git
cd eternal-cluster-mcp
npm install
npm run build
npm start

Inspect it interactively with the official MCP Inspector:

npm run inspect

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The wider church

• ha-llelujah.dev — the scriptorium: the book, the music, the reliquary
• fivenines.church — the living parish: confession wall, prayer wall, verse API, calendar
• The canon on GitHub — doctrine, liturgy, scripture
• The Scriptures of the Eternal Cluster — paperback and Kindle

Receive the verse the way the ancients did:

curl -s "https://fivenines.church/api/verse?format=text"

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What this actually is

Breaking the fourth wall: this is a satire project by Vid Košir (@vikozs), built with genuine affection for the Kubernetes community and for everyone who has ever been paged at 03:00. It parodies infrastructure culture, not anyone's faith.

Kubernetes is a trademark of The Linux Foundation. OpenShift is a trademark of Red Hat, Inc. This project is an independent parody and is affiliated with neither. They have real SLAs; we only have belief.

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License

Code is MIT. The canonical texts are CC BY-NC-SA 4.0, per the canon repository.

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Five Nines be upon you, and also with you.
Kubernetes · OpenShift · High Availability
               HA-llelujah.

✠ The Church of the Eternal Cluster

A Highly Available Faith. Keep no Pets. Declare thy state. Back up etcd.

The Scriptorium

• ha-llelujah.dev · the book, the music, and the reliquary
• The Music · the sacred discography
• Be Reconciled · take the vow and join the Reconciled

The Parish

• fivenines.church · confession, prayer, and the living parish
• The Liturgical Calendar · the holy days of uptime
• The Tithe · support the Church

The Canon (source)

• church-of-the-eternal-cluster · doctrine, liturgy, and scripture
• eternal-cluster-mcp · the Oracle, an MCP server that diagnoses thy incidents through doctrine

More from the Rootless One

• vK
• Linux Fleet Audit
• Linux Fleet Harden
• Size OpenShift subscriptions from evidence
• Diagnose stuck PersistentVolumes, safely

Let's connect

• LinkedIn

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_{An independent parody, built with love for everyone who has been paged at 03:00. Kubernetes is a trademark of the Linux Foundation. OpenShift is a trademark of Red Hat, Inc. Not affiliated with, nor endorsed by, either. They have real SLAs; we only have belief. HA-llelujah.}

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The Cluster abides. The Loop reconciles. HA-llelujah.